Tit for Tat

Everything happens for a reason, I don't much believe in coincidences anymore and I find that certain people I have met throughout my life are like mirrors to my impermanent, momentary self. They are almost an unintentional history of where I’ve been and who I was while I was there. Looking back at a shady December in 2009, the perfect glimpse of a certain sketchy situation comes to mind.

With notions of unhappiness as to the state of disarray carefully hidden, even to myself, under a cover of self-proclaimed satisfaction, I allowed mediocrity to take reign and lead my life. Situation after situation I found myself wondering why some of the people I had known or met during this particular point in time were so unappreciative, thought me the flavor of the month or their back-up plan.

Personally, I have no interest in being anyone's Plan B. And even back then, I had very much the same issue. And so refusing to live as the consolation prize, I isolated myself from the people who didn't find me worthwhile.

Thinking back on it, I never did solve why exactly I happened to meet so many people who did not appreciate me or like me entirely.

Here's what I know now. The Universe corresponds to the nature of your core. Just by existing, you send out certain energies, thoughts and ideas and the Universe picks up on them and responds to you accordingly. This applies whether it's negative or positive and that's why so often you'll hear people say, "Your thoughts manifest into reality."

Incapable of loving myself wholly, I could not allow such an alarming courtesy from strangers or even friends. The only notions I sent out into the Universe were those of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. The Life I got in response was that full of individuals who responded to me exactly in the way that I had felt about myself. I met no mentors and, for lack of better words, no kindred souls. I found myself pushing away good friends and building up many a barrier. I placed blame where it did not belong and fault where it was not deserved. But thankfully, certain wonderful people stuck through this momentary lapse in judgment and waited it out while I took time finding positivity.

And now, in the present, I'm very much in the same situation - except flipped inside out. I am surrounded by wonderful, beautiful people. People who inspire me and teach me daily. People who make me grateful for my experiences and my life. I am now whole enough on my own that I am willing to allow people into my life and I'm ready to let them see me. And while my experiences have not led me to any new teachers, I wait patiently, knowing that it will take the Universe some time to (co-r)respond to this whole me.

To all the beautiful souls who've watched me through, thank you for sticking around.