Teaching This Old Dog New Tricks

They say old habits die hard - so do good intentions.

Okay, actually, I just have a flare for the dramatic and the old habits didn't die at all... They're still there, alive and kicking, waiting to pounce on my poor unsuspecting self-discipline (or lack there of) at any moment. That isn't to say that these old habits are the entire source of the problem. In fact, this isn't the case at all. It's Mr. Willpower here, you see, who has been up to no good recently. Like the proverbial always-cheated-on-self-abusing-pathetic-girlfriend, he continues to turn a blind eye to the indiscretions of Ms. Old Habits. He continues to act as if he doesn't see the slippery slope back to mediocrity and prefers escape over effort, pretending to act as if Ms. Old Habits doesn't pose a threat to this whole self-improvement gig.

And so: while the good intentions haven't entirely dissipated, the motivation eludes me. Remember my resolution for this month to respect my body and mind? Yeah... about that... This is my second-all nighter since the beginning of this month. Not only that, but I haven't been exercising or meditating and I've hardly been drinking any water.

Now, the fact that I've identified the sources of so many of the issues in my life (that being the fact that I haven't been entirely respecting my mind and body) along with the fact that I know how to resolve these issues should be enough to get me going. But what's most disturbing is that I continue to do that which is the exact opposite of the appropriate remedy for the solution. The doctor prescribed eight hours of sleep a night, regular exercise, meditation and eight cups of water a day. It's like I haven't been eating those apples even though I'm terrified of that blasted doctor's office. I just keep on chompin' down on those Goddamned Wunderbar's (metaphorically and literally)!

I can tell that when I eat certain foods that I shouldn't eat, when I don't get to bed at a decent hour and when I do invaluable things with my time, more often than not it is out of panic. I do it because I know that I should be doing something better with my time and I should be trying my best. But I am so scared of failure in any aspect of my life that I allow myself to believe that Mediocrity is the best sort of Consolation Prize. Oh, and it's all I ever wanted. Really, I promise, okay?

I've always been a proud type of girl and this whole not getting where I gotta get is driving me insane. So, let's try this again.