Bordering on Arrogance

Who's ready to go back to the middle?

Back to the Middle by India Arie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HUju5DDOns

Who You Are

Who You Are by Jessie J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_pnFhFjNtY

Lyrics:

I stare at my reflection in the mirror...
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf...
No, no, no, no.

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are, who you are.

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah.
The more I try the less it's working, yeah.
'Cos everything inside me screams, "no, no, no, no..."

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are.

Yes, no, egos.
Fake shows like 'whoah'.
Just go, and leave me alone.
Real talk, real life.
Good love, goodnight.
With a smile that's my home - that's my home.

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's burising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are.
Just be true to who you are, who you are.

For You

I want to tell you how to be happy. I want to tell you what exactly you should do to get where you want to go. Instead, I sit here trying to listen to you and saying what I think you'll listen to. I'm trying not to be condescending because I know you're capable of anything, but more than that, all I want is for you to be happy.

I can see that you're stuck between your choices but I can also see that you don't want to open up. And that's okay, I get it. But I hope that one day you'll open up to somebody, if you haven't already. I hope you find the guidance you need to be happy. I hope the guidance you find will be in yourself. I wish I could make you promise that you will only do what's right for you, only what will make you happy. But I can't ask you to do that for me, that's a promise you should make for yourself.

I wish you the best.

To the Forever Victim

I want to keep my words for you kind. But I also refuse to sugar-coat my truth because I know that the words that did me the most good, when I was down, were those that were rooted in love but also blunt, brash and bold. 

Here are those words:

Do not blame others for where you are today. Do not dwell on the past or speak about how he hurt you, how he beat you and how he stole from you. Do not reduce the happiness and successes of others to sheer coincidence by convincing yourself that they were dealt better cards than you - you have no way of knowing the battles they have fought and the falls they have taken.  Do not tell yourself that your path was already decided before you got here and that it was one of mediocrity. 

Do not settle for anything less than you deserve.

Understand that your state of mind, your thoughts and your surroundings are all a reflection of your inner self. Your emotions and your reality are derived from that which exists within you. Like water from a well, everything you produce - all of your thoughts, all of your actions, your existence and everything that comes out of you - flows from your inner reservoir. If all you have within you is negative: everything without will reflect this. But once you change this, once you allow yourself to be happy and positive inside, all of these things will manifest themselves into your emotional, mental and physical reality. 

Instead of allowing the condemnations of others to be your truth, choose to not be reduced by their actions. In the same way that everything you produce comes from that which lies within, so is this true for every other individual. Do not mistake their harsh words and malicious behavior to be a reflection on you - but do not turn a blind eye to your weaknesses. Be honest, but strong. 

You have the potential to be something brilliant.  You already have everything you need to get wherever you want to go - do not be so consumed by this world that you cannot see the mine of gold that already exists within you.

You are the ultimate creator of your life, you have all the control over your own existence. There will be moments and events that you may not have control over, but you have in your hands the power to decide how these moments will affect you. You can be happy, if you so choose. When you realize this, there is no limit to what you can achieve.

"Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger." - Christian D. Larsen

Love,

Me

Teaching This Old Dog New Tricks

They say old habits die hard - so do good intentions.

Okay, actually, I just have a flare for the dramatic and the old habits didn't die at all... They're still there, alive and kicking, waiting to pounce on my poor unsuspecting self-discipline (or lack there of) at any moment. That isn't to say that these old habits are the entire source of the problem. In fact, this isn't the case at all. It's Mr. Willpower here, you see, who has been up to no good recently. Like the proverbial always-cheated-on-self-abusing-pathetic-girlfriend, he continues to turn a blind eye to the indiscretions of Ms. Old Habits. He continues to act as if he doesn't see the slippery slope back to mediocrity and prefers escape over effort, pretending to act as if Ms. Old Habits doesn't pose a threat to this whole self-improvement gig.

And so: while the good intentions haven't entirely dissipated, the motivation eludes me. Remember my resolution for this month to respect my body and mind? Yeah... about that... This is my second-all nighter since the beginning of this month. Not only that, but I haven't been exercising or meditating and I've hardly been drinking any water.

Now, the fact that I've identified the sources of so many of the issues in my life (that being the fact that I haven't been entirely respecting my mind and body) along with the fact that I know how to resolve these issues should be enough to get me going. But what's most disturbing is that I continue to do that which is the exact opposite of the appropriate remedy for the solution. The doctor prescribed eight hours of sleep a night, regular exercise, meditation and eight cups of water a day. It's like I haven't been eating those apples even though I'm terrified of that blasted doctor's office. I just keep on chompin' down on those Goddamned Wunderbar's (metaphorically and literally)!

I can tell that when I eat certain foods that I shouldn't eat, when I don't get to bed at a decent hour and when I do invaluable things with my time, more often than not it is out of panic. I do it because I know that I should be doing something better with my time and I should be trying my best. But I am so scared of failure in any aspect of my life that I allow myself to believe that Mediocrity is the best sort of Consolation Prize. Oh, and it's all I ever wanted. Really, I promise, okay?

I've always been a proud type of girl and this whole not getting where I gotta get is driving me insane. So, let's try this again.

Pick-Me-Up

It's late and I was thinking of all the things I still have to do this weekend and instead of stressing myself out I thought I would make a list of some of my favourite things just so I could cheer myself up. In no particular order:

- hot showers

- warm blankets

- easy mornings: food, music, reading, relaxing

- tea with a friend and an open datebook

- concerts with performers who LOVE doing what they do

- playing with my beautiful puppy

- breakfast: french toast, eggs, bacon, sausages, waffles, crepes, and all that jazz

- jazz clubs

- heading nowhere in particular and seeing what the city has to offer

- Skyping with friends

- being around children

- delicious food

- text messages just to say 'hello'

- text messages that make me laugh

- laughing

- watching my beautiful doggie watch the snow

- watching my mom and my doggie interact

- water when I'm really dehydrated

- hot water in the morning

- my mind in the morning: quiet, at peace, uncorrupted by the day

- blue skies
- Gilmore Girls reruns

- being productive

- smooth skin

- reading a good book
- books I can carry around with me that act as a pick-me-up (The Teachings of the Buddha, The Alchemist)

- hot chocolate, good company, and nowhere to go (I know, repeat, but I LOVE doing this)

- listening to beautiful music (Nina Simone, Sade, Adele, Corinne Bailey Rae, etc.!)

- really feeling music at my core

- exposed brick, high ceilings, concrete floors

- the Distillery District

- anything mango

- finding inspiration

- seeing people inspired

- seeing people laugh

- watching doggies on the TTC

- noticing people look into each others eyes and seeing that they're happy as they are

- babies

- well-behaved children

- children with big hearts

- clear skin (What? Yeah. This is one of my favourite things.)

- beautiful, intelligent, interesting, genuine, humble people

- apple crisp

- arm massages

- anything with cinnamon

- not having to wake up to an alarm clock

- clean computer screens, clean glasses

- neatly arranged closets

- kind strangers

- apples with crunchy peanut butter
- people who understand what I'm trying to say
- people who teach and inspire me
- people who challenge me

- tea and biscuits

- soft, silky, shiny hair

- dark hair, dark skin, light eyes

- being happy

What's on your list?

Let's Set This World on Fire

I get to choose what I do everyday. Yeah, I tell myself that I have to be at school, that I have to go to class, but that's not actually true. The truth of the matter is that I chose to enroll in these classes and if I didn't want to I shouldn't have done it. But this is what I do want: I like being a student and I like learning (I just don't enjoy studying so much).

And there are all sorts of other decisions that I get to make during my day, every day: what to eat, what to where, how to act, who I want to be and how to spend the time in between productivity and obligation, they're all in my hands.  More often than not, it's so much easier for me to take the easy route and fall into routine. It's easier for me to assume that every day is the same as the last and act in a pattern that fulfills that probability. I take no action to challenge myself and where I am today because right now everything is so good.

But sometimes you have to walk away from the good to make room for the great.

In-Between Season

Does anybody else find the snow as blinding as I do? I swear, I find more use for sunglasses (that I don't own) during the winter than I do in the summer. All that snow gets me teary-eyed and then when the wind starts up I end up full-out bawling, unintentionally of course.  And to remedy the situation, for fear that it may be awkward for the odd passerby to watch the mini-stream of some sort of salt-water/mascara concoction flowing down my face, I grin. No joke, I full out grin in hopes that people don't think that I'm crying, I guess I prefer them to think that I am crazy.

March has never much reminded me of winter month. And no, not even with the snow outside, innocently resting on top of the frozen ice. I tend to focus more on the brilliant blue skies than I do on the grey-white, it's less depressing that way. 

This month is a deceptive month, it is. You wake up, you look out, all you see is a sea of blue. Or at least that's the view from my bed. And now I look out, and the blue is gone and the grey is out. The day's inability to decide whether she wants to be bright or dull or just in-between is depressing on its own, especially when in the end, gloom wins out.

And here I am too, in between my own seasons. I'm stuck between Inspiration and Apathy.  A quarter of me wants to go out and change the world and the rest of me wants to stick around at home, change back into my pajamas, put my hair up and just bum around. Grey seems to be winning out today.

My personal battle today isn't anything big. It's just getting to class, paying attention, doing my readings, and completing my assignments, but the effort of it all doesn't seem worth it. I'd much rather be at a cafe with a friend and just talk out all the grey until only colour is left inside of me. I want to listen to beautiful music, I want to walk around Toronto and appreciate this beautiful city, I want to be free today. 

I know my future is bound to be beautiful and it's hard waiting for it to come around. It's hard to live in today, sometimes, when all you can think about is the beauty of the infinite possibilities waiting for you tomorrow. Today, I'm tempted to play hooky with reality and live in a fantasy-world while I wait for dreams of my future to materialize. 

But just like it can't be all reason all the time, it can't be all heart either. I'll let you know who wins out by the end of today.

Who Would Have Known How Bittersweet This Would Taste?

You can show people exactly what inspires you and where you derive your happiness from and what the source of all the light in your life is, but even if you handed it to them, they couldn't take it. It isn't theirs to take - their happiness is entirely different and they have to find it on their own. Life is funny that way.

Go get yours.

Tit for Tat

Everything happens for a reason, I don't much believe in coincidences anymore and I find that certain people I have met throughout my life are like mirrors to my impermanent, momentary self. They are almost an unintentional history of where I’ve been and who I was while I was there. Looking back at a shady December in 2009, the perfect glimpse of a certain sketchy situation comes to mind.

With notions of unhappiness as to the state of disarray carefully hidden, even to myself, under a cover of self-proclaimed satisfaction, I allowed mediocrity to take reign and lead my life. Situation after situation I found myself wondering why some of the people I had known or met during this particular point in time were so unappreciative, thought me the flavor of the month or their back-up plan.

Personally, I have no interest in being anyone's Plan B. And even back then, I had very much the same issue. And so refusing to live as the consolation prize, I isolated myself from the people who didn't find me worthwhile.

Thinking back on it, I never did solve why exactly I happened to meet so many people who did not appreciate me or like me entirely.

Here's what I know now. The Universe corresponds to the nature of your core. Just by existing, you send out certain energies, thoughts and ideas and the Universe picks up on them and responds to you accordingly. This applies whether it's negative or positive and that's why so often you'll hear people say, "Your thoughts manifest into reality."

Incapable of loving myself wholly, I could not allow such an alarming courtesy from strangers or even friends. The only notions I sent out into the Universe were those of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. The Life I got in response was that full of individuals who responded to me exactly in the way that I had felt about myself. I met no mentors and, for lack of better words, no kindred souls. I found myself pushing away good friends and building up many a barrier. I placed blame where it did not belong and fault where it was not deserved. But thankfully, certain wonderful people stuck through this momentary lapse in judgment and waited it out while I took time finding positivity.

And now, in the present, I'm very much in the same situation - except flipped inside out. I am surrounded by wonderful, beautiful people. People who inspire me and teach me daily. People who make me grateful for my experiences and my life. I am now whole enough on my own that I am willing to allow people into my life and I'm ready to let them see me. And while my experiences have not led me to any new teachers, I wait patiently, knowing that it will take the Universe some time to (co-r)respond to this whole me.

To all the beautiful souls who've watched me through, thank you for sticking around.

Hey

You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng

Call a Spade a Spade

It's hard to stay positive all the time. There are certain people who, I find, are fleeting with their praise but generous with their criticisms.  Oh, how at the sound of their criticisms, I would cry foul and play victim!  Such passion! Such fervor! Such vim! I would sit there, box of chocolates in hand, turning their words into absolutes and colouring myself inadequate.

If only I had the sense to tell somebody about my self-pitying notions perhaps they would have snapped me out of it. Seriously, if I met me when I did that, I would slap me. Okay, that's a little harsh, maybe a little shake would have done.  But thinking back to the impassioned insecurity and the all-but-charming self-deprecation is, to say the least, cringe-worthy. Playing victim was far easier than proving anybody wrong, not even for my own sake.

But alas, Gloom was not my shade of grey and somewhere along the way I met with Sense. A couple of poor choices in haircuts later, fed up with my rags-to-rags story I started to straighten out. First came school and then came the grades and finally came Maslow's self-actualization. No, I kid, but I finally worked my way up his hierarchy of needs and found myself somewhere resembling happy.

It took a few drunken ramblings to embarrass myself into normalcy.  I realized that these criticisms did have everything to do with me, but not in the way I had first assumed. I had taken them personally because I couldn't take them constructively. These comments were not intended to hurt me, they were a way for the Universe to remind me of the things I needed to work on. (Of course there's the brand of person who superimposes their insecurities on you when there is absolutely no truth to their criticism, but that, my friends, is another day's work.)

It was hard to be honest with myself, it still is very hard. It's hard to release that vanity and self-bias for the sake of seeing reality and being honest. It's hard acknowledging your flaws only to find still more existing. But these people and their criticisms have taught me tolerance and acceptance. I've learned to take a deep breath, step back for a second, and listen to what they are telling me. Of course, such is not always the case, but it's a work in progress.

I find myself trying to be better. I try to be honest about myself and my weaknesses, understanding that these weaknesses are impermanent and that they do not define me. There are times when it makes sense to disregard others when they nitpick, other times I find myself thinking that their criticisms are messages from the Universe reminding me of who I could be and how I might get there.

Confessions of a Double-Poster

It seems gauche, posting twice in the same day. But what the heck, I'll pretend like it's okay since they're both baby posts. Here's the namesake for "somethingbeautiful":

Alexi Murdoch - Something Beautiful:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfJAh6hrCzw

"Bedroom is a Morgue"

Love is a broken vase whose shape everyone remembers differently, he said.

Anis Mojgani: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzzfbD6xLi4

Starting Small

My new year's resolutions are just over two months old now. You know, the whole shebang: 'be a better person, get fit, be happy, be appreciative.' Or maybe these are just my resolutions and yours are much more specific, or maybe you don't make resolutions - to each their own.

I, however, at the beginning of every new year, bright eyed and bushy tailed, pen some abstract goals that are always too broad and entirely subjective. Half of these resolutions are forgotten part-way through January or mid-way through non-implementation. And then the cycle starts all over again the next new year with high hopes and old ambitions.

So, I'm starting something new. A friend of mine shared with me how she approaches her day: each morning, she comes up with one new goal and works towards it. She focuses on the near-future. She sets it up so that every day her goal is something she knows is attainable, so in effect, these goals are just reminders of who she wants to be for the day or what she wants to do. They range from making up with family members to making a stranger smile.

Setting short-term goals that are what they call "SMART" goals entails keeping them specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.

Instead of going big or going home like I usually do, I think it's time that I start small... and smart.

My goal for the following month is to respect my body and mind. This means: exercising regularly, eating well and sleeping eight hours a night regardless of how busy my schedule is. Meditating, speaking kindly, drinking eight glasses of water a day and laughing will help cleanse my body and mind. I think a part of my mental stress has directly to do with all the physical clutter in my life, so I'm going to try to keep my surroundings, including my home and my bag (I know, I know... of all things, my bag - but seriously, it's like an endless pit in there) free of clutter.

Ha, I've just made a New Month's Resolution. Silly me. So, um, here's to the new month?