Still Seeking

There are so many different parts of me, sometimes I wonder who I am. Sometimes I'll hear all the things I say to myself and wonder which of my Angels or Demons has come out to play.  (Baby, because I know you're reading this, I have to clarify that these Demons are my personal evils, the battles that I fight, and not some version of evil incarnate within me. My Angels are the parts of me that tell me that I am worth something, that I have value, and that I can achieve what I want, that I am Love; and then there are the Demons who remind me of my failures, my shortcomings and my inadequacies, and who tell me that I don't deserve Love. So: DON'T FREAK OUT. I'm not schizophrenic or psychopathic. Please?) 

Mine are the voices that lift me up the most. But they are also the ones that tear me down so unforgivingly.

Reflecting on all the things I have felt in the past, and sometimes feel even now - the ways in which I have felt inadequate, unloved and unfulfilled - I can tell that these negative states of mind are entirely self-induced. I have this habit of taking a simple situation and running it over and over in my head, until I turn the picture into a negative, of which it was never actually born. 

I think this is a habit that I learned when I was younger. Now, as before, whenever something happens (or doesn't), I start to wonder what I did wrong. I didn't have any self-confidence when I was younger, because I wasn't raised to see my own worth. I was told not to smile with my crooked teeth, not to be so wild, and not to think for myself. Somewhere along the way, I internalized all of these criticisms and turned them into unconquerable insecurities. As an "adult", I continued to question my beauty, my worth and my intelligence. 

Part of my personal growth, now, is policing my thoughts. The task is as easy as restricting the limiting voices, and amplifying the supportive ones. Part of the process is learning to be my own supporter and my own number one fan. But this is all easier said (or written, rather) than done. How do I teach myself to grow out of years of self-deprication? How do I un-condition all the self-loathing and guilt? How do I learn to fully love and accept myself?

I think the first step is awareness - but it feels like I've been stuck on this step for years. Even so, I have to acknowledge the progress I've made from when I was at my worst.  Little by little, I have started to see my own worth, but never entirely.  So, it's time to move on from past achievements and present apathies. It's about time I allow myself to see all of my glory, beauty and Love.

I know that I need to make my personal growth a priority, and that I ought to promise to treat myself better. But the worst part is that I don't feel ready yet and I'm not sure why. Maybe out of habit? I guess that's a battle for another day.

<3

Hey You?

I really do think you're the most beautiful thing I've ever known.

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0put0_a--Ng&feature=related)

On Being Single

A couple of months ago I was on my Twitter account and noticed that the ever-loving, ever-wise "The Daily Love" had made a tweet almost blasphemous in my view.  I tried to find the exact tweet but that account has over 16,000 tweets, and makes multiple tweets a day which made locating said tweet a little difficult. Of what I can remember he, Mastin Kipps (creator of The Daily Love), had tweeted that people who say that they are single and happy are full of bullshit. Yes, bullshit. The next tweet read something along the lines of, "Send me an e-mail about why you want to be single or why you've given up on love." (As if those two states had anything in common.) And to this promptly did I send that very e-mail. I was hoping that I would have a response to it by now but I supposed it was deemed irrelevant to the purpose of the tweet and I never received anything back, but here is my the one I sent anyway:

Hi Mastin,

First, I want to say that your website and your tweets bring me boundless amounts of inspiration. Your ideas are beautiful and I am grateful that you share them so openly. Your recent interview on Manifesting your Soulmate with Miss Arielle Ford was incredible. Especially close to my heart is the idea of appreciating the Soulmates who are already in your life. 

Just like every individual has their own interpretation of what Love is, I find that most people have their own definition of what a Soulmate is. I am vaguely spiritual and a nomad of religions; I'll pick and choose the philosophies that most suit the nature of my soul and live by them. And with this set of philosophies reading as my Faith, I have developed a faint notion of reincarnation. I am not sure about the details or the specifics, but for me a Soulmate is any person whose Soul your Soul is immediately attracted to. Maybe your conscious mind won't realize that recognition initially, but your Souls will recognize each other. These are Souls I think that have been intertwined from the beginning of time because of how well they do for each other. They are, by nature, so ideal for each other that time and time again, Life finds them together regardless of situation and circumstance. And further, I think that each individual has multiple Soulmates: friends, family, lovers and teachers.

I am worth the adoration, I know.  My words and thoughts are beautiful, they have worth and value and should be appreciated. But why can't that adoration be from friends and family? Why does being "complete" always have to be associated with a romantic counterpart? Further, why can't I be complete on my own? I am not saying that you cannot be happy with others, far from it. People are far too beautiful to give up on. But I think it's important to distinguish dependance from love. I think it's important to be your own source of happiness because you are the only constant in your life. If you learned to be your own source of happiness, when would you ever be unhappy?

Being happy together doesn't eliminate the possibility of being happy apart, in fact I think it's imperative to learn to be complete and happy on your own before you embark on a relationship so that you can contribute all of your beauty, ideas and values in all of their entirety to each relationship. 

Why is being single synonymous with being alone?

It is not that I want to be single or that I want to be in a relationship. What I want is to do what's right for me, and that is exactly what I'll do. I will let Life and the universe throw at me what they will and I will make my choices accordingly. 

I am single and I have the most beautiful people in my life, they have shown and taught me the most beautiful things. I am not alone. Their souls and minds are my guides and my peers while I search for my inner divine Soul. So I think the question is not, "Why do you want to be single?" but, "Why do you want to be you?"

"My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy"

I think one of the most important elements of a person's life is the legacy they leave. I also think that a legacy inspired by the art you create during the course of your life is one that surpasses all others.   And by art I don't mean only the type created by professional artists, musicians, actors, writers and the like, I mean the art that you create every day. I mean the type of art you create and feel solely by nature of your existence. And it's this art that you leave as a legacy to the universe.

I was talking to a friend about how beautiful Adele's music was, the monumental power of her voice and the way her words just haunt you. On complaining about how much I hated that people were unable to appreciate true beauty under the guise of something not necessarily aesthetic, she responded with words that unwittingly hit a chord. What I remember of what she said, or at least my interpretation of her words, was that sometimes you can place a woman in front a man, all of her, her beauty and her music and he still wouldn't love her.

And that's when it dawned on me that everyone creates art by existing, and to phrase it more to my taste, we're all creating our own music, living to our own ever-eternal soundtracks.  Music to the likes that has never been created in this universe. Music that is solely mine, entirely beautiful and dark and twisted because that's all that I am.  I am not perfect, but my flaws are not my undoing, they are my character. And I am dark sometimes, cruel in certain moments and far from graceful. I fall when most would stand, I cry where most would smile and I sing when I should be silent. I am entirely me, but this twisted, dark fantasy life that I am living is entirely mine and entirely beautiful. This music is my legacy.

(P.S. Squint your eyes and tilt your head a little to the left the next time you look at someone, maybe you'll see their music or hear their art.)

Tomorrow's Storm

There are things I want to be today, tomorrow and everyday onwards.  But my unwillingness to act on the blessed opportunities that whatever gods have gifted me with, choosing instead to mangle the present by thought and action that are, by nature, almost impure and always inadequate, I more than unwittingly indicate some sort of mindset that proclaims my Self undeserving of any sort of glory, friendship and, worst of all, happiness.

Why have I baptised myself into a life of contradiction - wanting one thing yet existing as another?  There is, by natural law, no way that ambition and procrastination can exist successfully within the same entity. Yet these are two concepts almost central to my existence. I want to do something great... but I'll do it tomorrow.

Bordering on Arrogance

Who's ready to go back to the middle?

Back to the Middle by India Arie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4HUju5DDOns

Who You Are

Who You Are by Jessie J
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_pnFhFjNtY

Lyrics:

I stare at my reflection in the mirror...
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf...
No, no, no, no.

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are, who you are.

Brushing my hair, do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah.
The more I try the less it's working, yeah.
'Cos everything inside me screams, "no, no, no, no..."

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are.

Yes, no, egos.
Fake shows like 'whoah'.
Just go, and leave me alone.
Real talk, real life.
Good love, goodnight.
With a smile that's my home - that's my home.

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars.
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
But tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's burising,
There's nothing wrong with who you are.
Just be true to who you are, who you are.