Still Seeking

There are so many different parts of me, sometimes I wonder who I am. Sometimes I'll hear all the things I say to myself and wonder which of my Angels or Demons has come out to play.  (Baby, because I know you're reading this, I have to clarify that these Demons are my personal evils, the battles that I fight, and not some version of evil incarnate within me. My Angels are the parts of me that tell me that I am worth something, that I have value, and that I can achieve what I want, that I am Love; and then there are the Demons who remind me of my failures, my shortcomings and my inadequacies, and who tell me that I don't deserve Love. So: DON'T FREAK OUT. I'm not schizophrenic or psychopathic. Please?) 

Mine are the voices that lift me up the most. But they are also the ones that tear me down so unforgivingly.

Reflecting on all the things I have felt in the past, and sometimes feel even now - the ways in which I have felt inadequate, unloved and unfulfilled - I can tell that these negative states of mind are entirely self-induced. I have this habit of taking a simple situation and running it over and over in my head, until I turn the picture into a negative, of which it was never actually born. 

I think this is a habit that I learned when I was younger. Now, as before, whenever something happens (or doesn't), I start to wonder what I did wrong. I didn't have any self-confidence when I was younger, because I wasn't raised to see my own worth. I was told not to smile with my crooked teeth, not to be so wild, and not to think for myself. Somewhere along the way, I internalized all of these criticisms and turned them into unconquerable insecurities. As an "adult", I continued to question my beauty, my worth and my intelligence. 

Part of my personal growth, now, is policing my thoughts. The task is as easy as restricting the limiting voices, and amplifying the supportive ones. Part of the process is learning to be my own supporter and my own number one fan. But this is all easier said (or written, rather) than done. How do I teach myself to grow out of years of self-deprication? How do I un-condition all the self-loathing and guilt? How do I learn to fully love and accept myself?

I think the first step is awareness - but it feels like I've been stuck on this step for years. Even so, I have to acknowledge the progress I've made from when I was at my worst.  Little by little, I have started to see my own worth, but never entirely.  So, it's time to move on from past achievements and present apathies. It's about time I allow myself to see all of my glory, beauty and Love.

I know that I need to make my personal growth a priority, and that I ought to promise to treat myself better. But the worst part is that I don't feel ready yet and I'm not sure why. Maybe out of habit? I guess that's a battle for another day.

<3